Like always…

…she made it about herself.

Okay, so maybe that's a little bit too harsh, but she did ruin my day, somewhat. And it's my birthday.

Apparently when she's not happy, no one can be, but why should we care. Sure I might be hypocritical because I know I talk about myself a lot, but can't this one day be for me to be happy? Where she won't be able to make me angry or sad?

But, alas, 'twas not meant to be. Here I am, on my birthday, typing this just to not be angry for the rest of the day. My therapy for the day rather than jut drawing.

This is probably going to be short, thus is probably going to be never read by anyone else but me, but it does help.

Self-diagnosed prognosis. Or mental illness. I'd like to think that the couple of years that I studied general psychology makes me qualified, or at least knowledgable.

So the forecast for today: sun, definitely hot, with a chance of rain by 'her' and a healthy dose of KFC.

What ifs...

...rule my life

In everything that we do, in everything that we say we are usually told not to ask "What if?". Especially when it's some life changing decision that we had to make.

Let's think about this for a minute and to help you, here is a part from one of my favourite clichéd chick flick movies - Letters to Juliet.

Letters to Juliet - Letter to Claire

Dear Claire, 

"What" and "If" are two words as non-threatening as words can be. But put them together side-by-side and they have the power to haunt you for the rest of your life: What if? What if? What if? 

I don't know how your story ended but if what you felt then was true love, then it's never too late. If it was true then, why wouldn't it be true now? You need only the courage to follow your heart. 

I don't know what a love like Juliet's feels like: love to leave loved ones for, love to cross oceans for, but I'd like to believe if I ever were to feel it, that I'd have the courage to seize it. 

And Claire, if you didn't, I hope one day that you will. 

All my love, 

Juliet

That part of the movie hit me real hard because it does have a power to haunt you. 

Though I have lived a mere 18 years in comparison to others which contains many years and so filled with experiences, the good and the bad, some of my decisions still haunt me. 

Like, in true female teenage style: what if bought that top? or What if I became friends with so and so? What if I talked to that boy?

It's not just the what ifs, though. It's questions in general.

I once had this discussion with a boy (Wow, a boy, I know) and though very brief, it was another thing that stuck with me. I was chilling like I usually do with my friends during lunch time and it was a beautiful day outside, so why not sit in the grass? We were talking about being independent and what we would do if we were away from our families with an unlimited supply of money. Coincidently, though I don't believe in coincidences, a friend walked passed getting ready to play soccer with his mates, and heard me say: 'I like being independent.' He heard this and told me, his exact words from 5 years ago, 'Sometimes it's good to depend on someone.' And with that single line and a parting smile, he turned around and off he went with his mates playing soccer.

I actually had that line repeating in my head for the last hour of classes that day and many hours after that. Safe to say, also many days, months, and years later. Sometimes it's good to depend on someone. He definitely knew what he was talking about. He's a smart guy, but what made me wonder was what he really meant by it, by saying it directly to me, even though a whole bunch of us had similar thoughts. Furthermore, he was further away than he should have been to hear something like that.

This haunts me, even to this day, because what if I became dependent on someone? What would happen if I learned to open up?

For the last several years, I eventually got used to people leaving. People leave so often that I became what you can call emotionally closed off. As in, feelings can't get to me, and my feelings can't get out, though I do feel a lot. Sure, I cried during Up when the montage scene came on and sure I awwed when my adorable dog tilts her head at me, probably wondering what on earth I am doing just staring at her, but I feel like I can't emotionally connect to anything. It's really complicated, because I can empathise, I do sympathise, but I feel like my reaction on the outside as much as the inside isn't enough.

What if I'm defective?

It's true when they say 'what ifs' can haunt a person. It haunts me. Every single day. 

I question my decisions.

I question what I say, what others say to me.

I question what I wear.

I wonder at what my life could have been now had I said something else.

And that's what really haunts me.

"What if it could've been different had I simply said hello, goodbye, or maybe even sorry?"

Why couldn't I just turn off my pride like a light switch and reach out to others, be more social?

 

That being said, I do hope, however, that I put a good enough face on for the audiences watching me; a performance worthy of an Oscar. I do hope that if anyone ever reads this, they don't get haunted by questions, but it's hard. Because I feel like I'm going insane every single day with these questions that won't stop flooding my mind. 

However, like a true 21st century, independent lady, I say keep you head and standards high, and your heels even higher. Give a little hair flick to those who deserve it. Give a smile to the person on the corner of the street waiting to cross. Give money to the guy busking on the street with a voice to die for, but remember to give more money to that homeless guy just sitting there. 

Mix up your life a little because it can change one person's life. Maybe for just a second, a minute, or even their day. But wouldn't it be grand if some small thing you did changed the life of someone in a good way?

The last year...

I am a teenager So I'm turning 19. I didn't get the whole teenage experience in my previous years, if you can call all that happens in high school the whole teenage experience. No, I didn't get homeschooled. I went to a regular high school with all sorts of people: guys, girls, douches, nerds, 'populars', the occasional goat (literally...a goat). I did, however, stay away from alcohol and drugs (not that I would ever do either of those things). I did go out to parties. I went to school. I went out with friends. I did have fun.  But I reckon this year, my last year as a teenager, should be a year of something. By something, I don't know what I mean, but something. Whether it be to get a different job from the one I got 5 years ago, finally dye my hair (or maybe even get a pixie cut), or go on that road trip I know my parents won't let me ever go one(my friends are, apparently, a bad influence). I might even decide to blow all my money on a plane ticket. One more week until I turn nineteen and I want to start it with a bang, but like most years, I'll probably go to that little Chinese restaurant in the city that is my absolute favourite for lunch and then have KFC for dinner with a caramel cake with no candles. That's how a majority of my birthdays were celebrated. Last year (my eighteenth) wasn't too bad. I went to dinner with my friends and then I went to a club for the first time. It was good, but it has been my only experience of it. I wouldn't rule it out, but people worked it up to be something so different, when really, the house parties people threw were better because there was more space (I like breathing fresh air) with good music from the DJs (because you could request). This year, for my birthday, it's going to be all kinds of different. I don't really know if it will be, but here's to hoping. I do know, however, one thing that will be different. The absence of a friend. And I italicise the word 'friend' mainly because after today, after what I just received, it doesn't feel like that. All those years of friendship, all of the things we went through just recently, blown out the window simply because they didn't remember my birthday. Instead she was trying to remake plans that couldn't happen today for that day, my birthday, when she should've remembered, because I sure as hell remember hers. Maybe I'm a little moody. Maybe I'm being selfish. But I can be, can't I? You can see it as a relationship that was crumbling for the past could of months. It went quickly from seeing each other 6 days out of the week to not even talking for two months maybe even more (granted that I was overseas for one month and was pretty much unavailable, but Facebook does exist...and twitter, and clearly tumblr). It was ended - a weird sort of ending, also very complicated - three days before I left, but we still talked like we used to. But it was never the same, after this massive happening that broke me down partially a couple of months back (I'm still waiting for the real breakdown and maybe it's happening now, now that I know the things I do today) it was okay. Just okay. But today, no. I have another friend I'm pretty close to, but not too close where I talk to her every week, but she still remembered. Sure, it was in relation to her birthday because hers is the next day, but she still remembered. Am I regretting the friendship? Definitely not. Am I hoping that it'll be the same? Maybe. Am I hurt? Surprisingly, no. I think this birthday is going to be different. That there will be an absence of something - someone - and, happily enough, I don't care. I should, but I don't. Because I'm going out to the city to that little Chinese restaurant with my family and get drunk on 7eleven slurplees. I'm going to sing to the songs on the radio on the way back and laugh uncontrollably when the artist singing gets the lyrics wrong and I get it right. I'm going to eat seven pieces of KFC and I'm going to hog a carton of the chips all to myself. I will cut my caramel cake. It'll be the same as almost every other year I celebrated my birthday. Or maybe it'll be different. Maybe, this time, I'll get candles.