In everything that we do, in everything that we say we are usually told not to ask "What if?". Especially when it's some life changing decision that we had to make.
Let's think about this for a minute and to help you, here is a part from one of my favourite clichéd chick flick movies - Letters to Juliet.
Letters to Juliet - Letter to Claire
Dear Claire,
"What" and "If" are two words as non-threatening as words can be. But put them together side-by-side and they have the power to haunt you for the rest of your life: What if? What if? What if?
I don't know how your story ended but if what you felt then was true love, then it's never too late. If it was true then, why wouldn't it be true now? You need only the courage to follow your heart.
I don't know what a love like Juliet's feels like: love to leave loved ones for, love to cross oceans for, but I'd like to believe if I ever were to feel it, that I'd have the courage to seize it.
And Claire, if you didn't, I hope one day that you will.
All my love,
Juliet
That part of the movie hit me real hard because it does have a power to haunt you.
Though I have lived a mere 18 years in comparison to others which contains many years and so filled with experiences, the good and the bad, some of my decisions still haunt me.
Like, in true female teenage style: what if bought that top? or What if I became friends with so and so? What if I talked to that boy?
It's not just the what ifs, though. It's questions in general.
I once had this discussion with a boy (Wow, a boy, I know) and though very brief, it was another thing that stuck with me. I was chilling like I usually do with my friends during lunch time and it was a beautiful day outside, so why not sit in the grass? We were talking about being independent and what we would do if we were away from our families with an unlimited supply of money. Coincidently, though I don't believe in coincidences, a friend walked passed getting ready to play soccer with his mates, and heard me say: 'I like being independent.' He heard this and told me, his exact words from 5 years ago, 'Sometimes it's good to depend on someone.' And with that single line and a parting smile, he turned around and off he went with his mates playing soccer.
I actually had that line repeating in my head for the last hour of classes that day and many hours after that. Safe to say, also many days, months, and years later. Sometimes it's good to depend on someone. He definitely knew what he was talking about. He's a smart guy, but what made me wonder was what he really meant by it, by saying it directly to me, even though a whole bunch of us had similar thoughts. Furthermore, he was further away than he should have been to hear something like that.
This haunts me, even to this day, because what if I became dependent on someone? What would happen if I learned to open up?
For the last several years, I eventually got used to people leaving. People leave so often that I became what you can call emotionally closed off. As in, feelings can't get to me, and my feelings can't get out, though I do feel a lot. Sure, I cried during Up when the montage scene came on and sure I awwed when my adorable dog tilts her head at me, probably wondering what on earth I am doing just staring at her, but I feel like I can't emotionally connect to anything. It's really complicated, because I can empathise, I do sympathise, but I feel like my reaction on the outside as much as the inside isn't enough.
What if I'm defective?
It's true when they say 'what ifs' can haunt a person. It haunts me. Every single day.
I question my decisions.
I question what I say, what others say to me.
I question what I wear.
I wonder at what my life could have been now had I said something else.
And that's what really haunts me.
"What if it could've been different had I simply said hello, goodbye, or maybe even sorry?"
Why couldn't I just turn off my pride like a light switch and reach out to others, be more social?
That being said, I do hope, however, that I put a good enough face on for the audiences watching me; a performance worthy of an Oscar. I do hope that if anyone ever reads this, they don't get haunted by questions, but it's hard. Because I feel like I'm going insane every single day with these questions that won't stop flooding my mind.
However, like a true 21st century, independent lady, I say keep you head and standards high, and your heels even higher. Give a little hair flick to those who deserve it. Give a smile to the person on the corner of the street waiting to cross. Give money to the guy busking on the street with a voice to die for, but remember to give more money to that homeless guy just sitting there.
Mix up your life a little because it can change one person's life. Maybe for just a second, a minute, or even their day. But wouldn't it be grand if some small thing you did changed the life of someone in a good way?
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